Once again I’m here on my own. Another day and night apart from you. After we’ve spent so much time together it’s gut wrenching to be apart even for just one night.
This morning while we were sat having coffee neither of us wanted to say it; but we both clock watched until the time came for me to go; even though it was just for no more than 32 hours.
As I drive away and looked in my rear view mirror, a solitary tear slid down my cheek. Did the same happen to you? I know it did. A lonely solitary figure standing by the side of the road, waving me off. Once I’m on the motorway within a few minutes of leaving home the tears really start to flow. I can’t listen to our music just same radio talk show where they are talking about whatever the latest news topic is.
I’ve only been gone about 10 minutes yet it feels like an eternity. An ache in my chests that is slowly growing to envelop my whole body. My friend, partner, lover not with me. It hurts. The passenger seat next to me empty, for a bag of snacks that you made me take. I slowly open my sandwich, wrapped in foil and see your note. I open it and read it, no care as I’m driving , I just need to know what it says. I read it and the tears start to fall again. Oh baby I’m missing you too.
A stop at the services and I get to talk to you. The sound of your voice makes me ache even more. You’re cold I’m cold. I wish I was wish you to warm you up. I think about Sunday night and my body tingles all over. Can’t wait for us to hold each other again.
I’m back in the car and I’m carrying on driving. My mind starts to wander. To the good and the bad. I don’t like it when this happens. I can’t stop myself. I think about how much you’ve come to mean to me since we started talking again last June. So much has happened since then. Is it all my fault. I hear you say it’s not always about you jokingly but I can’t shake this feeling right now. I know where my thoughts are going to take me. It scares me. I try not to think but I can’t help it. I care about things too much.
It starts at the same place as always; my dad dying. Seeing what I did, feeling what I did. Feeling as if I’ll never be the same again. Like I’m stuck in the dark, permanently with no light. I should have told him before he died. I know that he knew without me saying anything, but I should have told him myself, in my own words. I’ll always regret that.
Steph getting in touch again after years of not hearing anything. Not feeling anything for her. Too much time had passed. She’s just a nobody to me. Suddenly I’m thinking about September/ October 2017. Jesus what a time in my life that was. Getting to know you. Even just a little. The jokes, the music the laughter. Our first kiss in my car sat down by the beach. I smile at this thought. What was it about you. At the time it felt like I’d known you forever. Similar life experiences, thoughts, our humour, how you just listened and didn’t judge. At the time I thought I’d found a good friend. Someone who got me. Understood me.
Then it all started to go wrong. I caused you untold damage and for that I will always be sorry. Not just to you but to her too. Even though I don’t know her and never will. I feel like I’ve not just damaged your life but here too. Mine doesn’t matter. Those messages I got just that night just destroyed me. At the time I remember thinking what a fool is been. It was always my number one rule. Never any one at work or someone who was already in a relationship. I hated myself for it.
What was to follow made me hate myself even more. Worrying about the backlash at work, not for me for you. My next shift I had my notice ready to hand in. Anything to make it easier for you. The next time I saw you I was running off, Steph having taken an overdose and fucked up me still was down as her next of kin. Decisions to be made. Breaking my hand on Paul’s jaw. I felt nothing when I saw her at the hospital, she was just sleeping it seemed. Life support or no life support. What about her quality of life. There’d be none. Better off. Decision made. How could I have been so cold and horrible to make such a decision with Paul. I didn’t hesitate. Do I regret it now looking back? No. There would be no meaningful quality of life there. Do I hate myself for being the cause of it. Yes I do. All I had to do was answer the phone. It may never have happened. But I was too worried about you at the time and the messages I was getting from her.
Every night before I tried to sleep I would pray that you were ok. Safe from harm. You were because you weren’t talking to me. The funeral I was blamed by some, those that didn’t know the truth. I saw you that day after. At work. You looked right through me. That hurt, but made me realise how much damage and hurt I’d caused you.
Days into the next and the next. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Stephs will. What was left to me. I wanted none of it. I made sure it went to Paul to do as he wished with. Do I regret it no. I could have walked away from everything with that. Just disappeared for ever. But no. Wanted none if it. Days pass in a blur. I go away for a week. To Norfolk. To clear my head. It’s no better when I get back. I dread Tuesdays now. It means I may see you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I try and leave early when I can. I end up walking to work more often than not. In the rain and the cold. I’m not fit to drive. I might just carry on driving, am too hungover or maybe just drive into a brick wall.
Christmas is fast approaching. I can’t do this. I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not. I hate myself. Again I have my notice ready to hand in. I don’t. One night you’re at work drunk, I get asked to make sure you get home ok. We both know what happened that night.
The following few days I’m in a blur. Decision made. Everyone would be better off without me. Over Xmas you had to work a bank holiday. I don’t know if you saw me but I left straight after. Everything was set up for me to go. I can’t not yet. One night after too much kraken, straight no less, everyone is out. I sit on the swing a bottle, codeine, ibuprofen and anything else I’ve got at home. 6 cocodamol and for some reason I get up and stagger in doors and I collapse on the sofa. I must have passed out because I wake up and it’s 4nin the morning. I’m cold no blanket over me. I manage to check everyone is home and go back to the sofa. I can’t even do that right.
I tell no one what I’d done and just carry on and the thought is always there. I tried once before and got that wrong too. Days into months and it’s spring then summer. I still think about you everyday and if you’re doing ok and managed to sort everything out. I hope you have. I find out you got married and I was happy for you. Maybe I didn’t ruin everything for you but made you both stronger. I just carry on.
You start to talk to me again. I wander why now after all this time. I can still feel there is something there. Like I felt that first time we kissed. But I ignore it and try and keep it civil, we have to work together. I try to bite down any witty snap backs as I know we’ll both laugh. I’ve got to try and keep my distance. I hated it not talking to you. You apologise and I say it’s fine. Life’s too short for grudges.
The summer is here and you give me your number. I agonised over messaging you that morning. But I did. One thing leads to another and before you know it we’re talking everyday. For hours. You’re my chill pill and I’m yours. You don’t seem happy but I don’t say anything.
We have some nice weekends together and I will always cherish those memories. Before we know it everything is out in the open and everyone knows. I worry about you and how you’ll react. I worry that history will repeat itself. We spend night after night together and I don’t care where we are. I realised when you where on holiday how much you came to mean to me. I missed you too much for it to be anything but love. I love you. With all that I am. She is raging and I feel bad that I’ve caused this again. I should have stayed away but I couldn’t. There was just something there. She comes to see you at work and before I know it she’s wanting to see me. I don’t. Not at work. I will elsewhere but not there. That night she takes an over dose and when you find out and tell me a sense of dread fills me. It’s October and this happened to me last year. May be if I had come out and faced her it wouldn’t have happened. She wouldn’t have done it. I feel so guilty.
We have to leave now. Maybe I would be better off dead. I think back to January and when I tied to take those tablets. Maybe it would be best all round if I just disappeared. But I can’t leave you. I love you too much. I couldn’t do that to the little people them never knowing why and wandering if it was there fault.
We move. To Norfolk. I love it up there and you seem to too. We work, play and have some laughs. I’m relaxed and chilled. I love you more and more each day and I hate us being apart. I feel like things are going wrong. The car, my family not talking to me. People I’ve hurt and damaged. This is my payback I feel. Will we ever get a chance to to just be. It just feels like it’s one thing after another. I want to move. I love staying there and Chris, but sometimes I feel like my dad is there watching and listening. It freaks me out at times. Especially as I keep thinking I can hear his voice.
I sometimes think you look sad. I wander if I caused that. I would never hurt you. Have done you untold damage. I love you and would never stop you doing what you wanted. Actually happy for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. You make me happy. Always. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before. It’s never been this intense with anyone else. Ever. You mean the world to me you are my world. I still sometimes wander if you’d have been better off without me.
I sometimes think maybe I’d be better off dead. I don’t know why. Maybe everything over the past few months has got to me. It’s been a hell of a roller coaster. But we are still here and through the worst of it I feel. The thoughts just creep up on me. But they are just thoughts and nothing will ever come of them. I promise you that. Maybe I should have told you this rather than write it down. I always feel like this when we’re not together. Just really low, helpless and useless. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Like I can’t do anything right. The only thing that keeps me going is you and how much you love me. You’re my chill pill. My large bottle of Heineken. You mean the world to me and that’s why nothing will ever come of what I sometimes think about.
I love you so much and you are my world and I will do anything for you. You only have to ask. As for the last few mo this I would do it all for you without even blinking but you know that don’t you.
I want to spend whatever time I have left on this world with you. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You make me feel all tingly and warm inside every time you look at me. I can’t put down into words what you mean but I think you get the picture. I love and kiss you baby and I get wait for you to just hold me again. You’ve come to be my world and you always will be.
Love you infinity JTER xxxx