I feel like I’m drowning again 01/02/2019

It’s February. Where did that first month go. I’m feeling low. Like I can do no right. I feel like I’m on a treadmill and running as fast as I can, just not getting anywhere. Stuck in mud and can’t get out. But there’s nothing that I need to get away from. All I want is here. Always by side making me feel safe, warm and wanted. I love you like I’ve loved no other. We spend every waking minute, of every hour of every day together and I love it. I wouldn’t change it for the world.

Im feeling pretty shitty with myself and I don’t know why. I don’t know what’s triggered it. Maybe it’s the car going wrong again. Maybe it’s the cold weather or the hours we are working. I just don’t know. I want to just get away. Run. But with you. Not on my own. The pair of us together. Somewhere neither of us know. Somewhere calm and relaxing. Somewhere where we don’t have a care in the world. No phones to be uncontactable even for just a few days before reality kicks back in. Go out if we want to, stay in if we want to socialise with others if we feel like it. I just want us both to just be. I know what I’m trying to say but I don’t think it’s coming out the way I want it to.

I feel like I want to sleep for hours and maybe wake up when the weather is really hot and steamy. I don’t like the cold. Having to wear layers and feeling uncomfortable. Everything seems better when it’s hot. Calmer.

I seem to spend too much time sleeping at the moment. I don’t like that. It’s like I’m sleeping my life away when we could be together doing stuff. Even if it’s just playing on our phones or going for a drink to our local. I’ve never slept so much as I have recently. It feels weird to be able to just sleep so much when I never have I told the past.

I’d do anything right now to have just one more chat with my dad. To put the world to rights and just shoot the shit like we used to. He would be full of useful advice, which in the past I never really used to pay much attention to. Sometimes I just feel like I want to scream and shout but I don’t know what about. Not at anyone or anything just scream. I feel like I really need to exhaust myself and sleep it off and wake up feeling as good as new. But what does new feel like. I like who I am now and that I’ve got someone to share it with. I like that I can talk to you and that you don’t judge me. I think it’s great. I can spend hours just watching you sleep. Your beautiful blue eyes closed and you are all relaxed. Calm. I find myself feeling calmer when I’m with you. Extremely anxious when I’m not. Your my chill pill. You calm me down more than I think you realise. You’re better than any drug, legal or otherwise.

My beautiful, sexy, JTER. My whole world and then some. For infinity and forever more.

I love you with all that I am and always will. I’m better when I’m with you and I love you more than life itself.

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I love you so much 03/02/2019

Morning beautiful. Thank you for a lovely morning yesterday. It was tiring as we both know but it was just nice and chilled. I can’t believe we slept all day though. I don’t think I’ve ever done that before. You falling asleep in my arms is the most relaxing calming thing I’ve known.

The last few days have been really good. Loving, warm, kind, caring. Saturday morning was wow. I’ve been trying to think of a superlative to make explain what it feels like and the only only thing that I can think of is tender. There was such tenderness whilst we were making love that I’ve never known anything like it. I want to hold you and never let you go. I’ve never felt like this way with anyone before.

You make me feel good about myself, not just physically but mentally too. Like I’m actually liking myself for the first time. You make me laugh with your little sayings and all the things you do.

We’ve had a roller coaster ride over the past few months, but as far as I am concerned I think it has made me love you more than I ever thought was possible to love another. Not just the intimacy but just being with you, whether it be in silence playing a game, watching tv or just lying in bed together. You get me in so many ways. You make me feel a feeling that I’ve never felt before.

When I’m with you it’s like I’m complete. When you’re not with me I feel like my heart is missing a beat. Like I’m not sure what I’m supposed to be doing. I can’t hold anything back with you. I tell you things I’ve never told anyone before. My fears, my likes what I enjoy. You know me so well. You know when something’s on my mind or bothering me. You know when I’m thinking and something has upset me.

Sometimes I feel that you are holding out on me. Not telling me something. But I’m sure that’s just my insecurities coming out. Just as long as we keep talking to each other. I’m getting better I promise. I just don’t like burdening others with what’s going on inside my head at time. It’s like my mind won’t shut off. Thoughts flying round at 100 miles an hour 24/7. You mean the world to me. I’d do anything for you. Anything.

I’m worried about you for today. Don’t know why. Maybe beachside it’s something that I can’t really help you with. But I’ll be there for you if and when you want me to. I know you don’t want to think about it and aren’t looking forward to it. Just remember that no matter what I’m here for you if you want me to or if not so be it. If you want to talk about it that’s fine too, if not I understand. You can do this. It will be fine. I want you to know that no matter what happens I’ll still be here. Always. Nothing changes for me and nothing ever will. I’ll always be here for you no matter what.

Anyway you’re awake now and I can look at your beautiful face once again. I love you. Xxx

I’m coming home 29/01/2019

Since my last letter to you my love, I’ve realised that I love you even more than I thought was possible to love anyone.

I hope my previous letter to you didn’t make you sad or angry. It just came out. No one knows about what I tried to do and please don’t judge me for that. I don’t know why I feel the way I do at times but I do.

I missed you immensely. More than I can say. The relief when I finally pulled up on the drive. To see you standing there I wanted to cry.

It felt so good to hold you tight in my arms. The smile on your face said it all. The ache in my chest has finally gone. I want to spend all my time with you, every minute of every hour, of everyday, every month and every year for ever more. You bring out very powerful emotions in me my love. Your more than just my girlfriend/ partner. I just can’t explain it how I feel it.

Seeing you standing there made my heart sing, if there is such a thing. I can’t do that again not for a long time. You’ll come with me. You keep me grounded. I don’t have horrible thoughts or scare myself when I’m with you. You’re the only one that can keep me sane when the world feels like it’s falling apart.

Anyways I’m home and everything now. And we can both have a peaceful sleep in each other’s tonight. Xxx

Missing you once more 28/01/2019

Once again I’m here on my own. Another day and night apart from you. After we’ve spent so much time together it’s gut wrenching to be apart even for just one night.

This morning while we were sat having coffee neither of us wanted to say it; but we both clock watched until the time came for me to go; even though it was just for no more than 32 hours.

As I drive away and looked in my rear view mirror, a solitary tear slid down my cheek. Did the same happen to you? I know it did. A lonely solitary figure standing by the side of the road, waving me off. Once I’m on the motorway within a few minutes of leaving home the tears really start to flow. I can’t listen to our music just same radio talk show where they are talking about whatever the latest news topic is.

I’ve only been gone about 10 minutes yet it feels like an eternity. An ache in my chests that is slowly growing to envelop my whole body. My friend, partner, lover not with me. It hurts. The passenger seat next to me empty, for a bag of snacks that you made me take. I slowly open my sandwich, wrapped in foil and see your note. I open it and read it, no care as I’m driving , I just need to know what it says. I read it and the tears start to fall again. Oh baby I’m missing you too.

A stop at the services and I get to talk to you. The sound of your voice makes me ache even more. You’re cold I’m cold. I wish I was wish you to warm you up. I think about Sunday night and my body tingles all over. Can’t wait for us to hold each other again.

I’m back in the car and I’m carrying on driving. My mind starts to wander. To the good and the bad. I don’t like it when this happens. I can’t stop myself. I think about how much you’ve come to mean to me since we started talking again last June. So much has happened since then. Is it all my fault. I hear you say it’s not always about you jokingly but I can’t shake this feeling right now. I know where my thoughts are going to take me. It scares me. I try not to think but I can’t help it. I care about things too much.

It starts at the same place as always; my dad dying. Seeing what I did, feeling what I did. Feeling as if I’ll never be the same again. Like I’m stuck in the dark, permanently with no light. I should have told him before he died. I know that he knew without me saying anything, but I should have told him myself, in my own words. I’ll always regret that.

Steph getting in touch again after years of not hearing anything. Not feeling anything for her. Too much time had passed. She’s just a nobody to me. Suddenly I’m thinking about September/ October 2017. Jesus what a time in my life that was. Getting to know you. Even just a little. The jokes, the music the laughter. Our first kiss in my car sat down by the beach. I smile at this thought. What was it about you. At the time it felt like I’d known you forever. Similar life experiences, thoughts, our humour, how you just listened and didn’t judge. At the time I thought I’d found a good friend. Someone who got me. Understood me.

Then it all started to go wrong. I caused you untold damage and for that I will always be sorry. Not just to you but to her too. Even though I don’t know her and never will. I feel like I’ve not just damaged your life but here too. Mine doesn’t matter. Those messages I got just that night just destroyed me. At the time I remember thinking what a fool is been. It was always my number one rule. Never any one at work or someone who was already in a relationship. I hated myself for it.

What was to follow made me hate myself even more. Worrying about the backlash at work, not for me for you. My next shift I had my notice ready to hand in. Anything to make it easier for you. The next time I saw you I was running off, Steph having taken an overdose and fucked up me still was down as her next of kin. Decisions to be made. Breaking my hand on Paul’s jaw. I felt nothing when I saw her at the hospital, she was just sleeping it seemed. Life support or no life support. What about her quality of life. There’d be none. Better off. Decision made. How could I have been so cold and horrible to make such a decision with Paul. I didn’t hesitate. Do I regret it now looking back? No. There would be no meaningful quality of life there. Do I hate myself for being the cause of it. Yes I do. All I had to do was answer the phone. It may never have happened. But I was too worried about you at the time and the messages I was getting from her.

Every night before I tried to sleep I would pray that you were ok. Safe from harm. You were because you weren’t talking to me. The funeral I was blamed by some, those that didn’t know the truth. I saw you that day after. At work. You looked right through me. That hurt, but made me realise how much damage and hurt I’d caused you.

Days into the next and the next. I don’t know if I’m coming or going. Stephs will. What was left to me. I wanted none of it. I made sure it went to Paul to do as he wished with. Do I regret it no. I could have walked away from everything with that. Just disappeared for ever. But no. Wanted none if it. Days pass in a blur. I go away for a week. To Norfolk. To clear my head. It’s no better when I get back. I dread Tuesdays now. It means I may see you. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable so I try and leave early when I can. I end up walking to work more often than not. In the rain and the cold. I’m not fit to drive. I might just carry on driving, am too hungover or maybe just drive into a brick wall.

Christmas is fast approaching. I can’t do this. I can’t pretend to be happy when I’m not. I hate myself. Again I have my notice ready to hand in. I don’t. One night you’re at work drunk, I get asked to make sure you get home ok. We both know what happened that night.

The following few days I’m in a blur. Decision made. Everyone would be better off without me. Over Xmas you had to work a bank holiday. I don’t know if you saw me but I left straight after. Everything was set up for me to go. I can’t not yet. One night after too much kraken, straight no less, everyone is out. I sit on the swing a bottle, codeine, ibuprofen and anything else I’ve got at home. 6 cocodamol and for some reason I get up and stagger in doors and I collapse on the sofa. I must have passed out because I wake up and it’s 4nin the morning. I’m cold no blanket over me. I manage to check everyone is home and go back to the sofa. I can’t even do that right.

I tell no one what I’d done and just carry on and the thought is always there. I tried once before and got that wrong too. Days into months and it’s spring then summer. I still think about you everyday and if you’re doing ok and managed to sort everything out. I hope you have. I find out you got married and I was happy for you. Maybe I didn’t ruin everything for you but made you both stronger. I just carry on.

You start to talk to me again. I wander why now after all this time. I can still feel there is something there. Like I felt that first time we kissed. But I ignore it and try and keep it civil, we have to work together. I try to bite down any witty snap backs as I know we’ll both laugh. I’ve got to try and keep my distance. I hated it not talking to you. You apologise and I say it’s fine. Life’s too short for grudges.

The summer is here and you give me your number. I agonised over messaging you that morning. But I did. One thing leads to another and before you know it we’re talking everyday. For hours. You’re my chill pill and I’m yours. You don’t seem happy but I don’t say anything.

We have some nice weekends together and I will always cherish those memories. Before we know it everything is out in the open and everyone knows. I worry about you and how you’ll react. I worry that history will repeat itself. We spend night after night together and I don’t care where we are. I realised when you where on holiday how much you came to mean to me. I missed you too much for it to be anything but love. I love you. With all that I am. She is raging and I feel bad that I’ve caused this again. I should have stayed away but I couldn’t. There was just something there. She comes to see you at work and before I know it she’s wanting to see me. I don’t. Not at work. I will elsewhere but not there. That night she takes an over dose and when you find out and tell me a sense of dread fills me. It’s October and this happened to me last year. May be if I had come out and faced her it wouldn’t have happened. She wouldn’t have done it. I feel so guilty.

We have to leave now. Maybe I would be better off dead. I think back to January and when I tied to take those tablets. Maybe it would be best all round if I just disappeared. But I can’t leave you. I love you too much. I couldn’t do that to the little people them never knowing why and wandering if it was there fault.

We move. To Norfolk. I love it up there and you seem to too. We work, play and have some laughs. I’m relaxed and chilled. I love you more and more each day and I hate us being apart. I feel like things are going wrong. The car, my family not talking to me. People I’ve hurt and damaged. This is my payback I feel. Will we ever get a chance to to just be. It just feels like it’s one thing after another. I want to move. I love staying there and Chris, but sometimes I feel like my dad is there watching and listening. It freaks me out at times. Especially as I keep thinking I can hear his voice.

I sometimes think you look sad. I wander if I caused that. I would never hurt you. Have done you untold damage. I love you and would never stop you doing what you wanted. Actually happy for the first time in what feels like a lifetime. You make me happy. Always. I’ve never felt this way with anyone else before. It’s never been this intense with anyone else. Ever. You mean the world to me you are my world. I still sometimes wander if you’d have been better off without me.

I sometimes think maybe I’d be better off dead. I don’t know why. Maybe everything over the past few months has got to me. It’s been a hell of a roller coaster. But we are still here and through the worst of it I feel. The thoughts just creep up on me. But they are just thoughts and nothing will ever come of them. I promise you that. Maybe I should have told you this rather than write it down. I always feel like this when we’re not together. Just really low, helpless and useless. Like there is no light at the end of the tunnel. Like I can’t do anything right. The only thing that keeps me going is you and how much you love me. You’re my chill pill. My large bottle of Heineken. You mean the world to me and that’s why nothing will ever come of what I sometimes think about.

I love you so much and you are my world and I will do anything for you. You only have to ask. As for the last few mo this I would do it all for you without even blinking but you know that don’t you.

I want to spend whatever time I have left on this world with you. You make me happy. You make me laugh. You make me feel all tingly and warm inside every time you look at me. I can’t put down into words what you mean but I think you get the picture. I love and kiss you baby and I get wait for you to just hold me again. You’ve come to be my world and you always will be.

Love you infinity JTER xxxx

Your bubba.

I’m missing you 21/01/19

Hey baby,

Our first night apart. I hated it. A day and half without seeing your beautiful smile. I feel empty; bereft. I just want to jump in the car and head back to you.

I don’t like it here. Even though I’m with the little people you’re all I can think about. I try to keep myself busy and make conversation but it’s not the same. Even when we are together we could be busy doing other things, like playing bingo but we are together. Comfortable in each other’s company.

In bed on my own, no one to cuddle up to. I’m cold. How did you sleep? Did you manage at least a few hours. I can hear it in your voice. You’re missing me like I’m missing you. A great big void next to me. An emptiness that only you can fill.

It’s 5am and I’m cold. I turn over looking for you but you’re not there. I get up. It’s cold; a cigarette or two and a coffee later and I still can’t warm up. I wander if you’re awake. How did you sleep? As restless as I was?

I love spending time with the little people but I find myself missing you more. Driving down yesterday a song came on the radio and it made me cry. I don’t know why. I’ll send it to you.

Did you have a quiet day yesterday? Did you miss me like I missed you. The drive was unbearable. No one to talk to, to laugh and talk to.

I’ve never spoken to anyone the way I do with you. I want to tell you everything that is going on in my head, I do most of the time. Some thoughts I think are better left in my head. I know I’ve got you and Chris but what I think about scares me at times. Sometimes I feel I’m alone, I know I’m not because I have you, I can’t explain it.

My mother hates me and has practically disowned me; my brother the same; my cousins and aunts just as much. So much for being a loving family unit. We all used to be so close. Our sounding boards and our go to when things where getting tough. Not that I ever opened up much, but I knew they were always there. They think I’m damaging the children. Am I? Looking at the. They’ve adjusted really well. Surely any problems would have surfaced by now. I don’t think I am. I love them dearly and would die for them, but I just couldn’t stay anymore. Is that so hard for people to understand?

I wander what my dad would have said. What would he have made of all this. Would he be supportive? Would he be in my corner and understand? I’d like to think he would.

I worry about you. More than you realise. After all we’ve been through, I still feel the need to protect you and keep you safe. I know you feel the same about me. I’ve not really had that before and it takes some getting used to. You make me feel safe and warm. I don’t mean to be snappy. It takes adjusting to. I’ve never felt so loved or wanted before. Most of the time with others I’ve felt used. Taken advantage of. You get me. You understand me more than I understand myself. That scares me, because no one has ever got to me in this way before.

I want us to have fun together. I do t want us working 24/7 all the time. I want us to go out and have fun to just spend time together. Snuggled up watching a film or a walk on the beach. Anything, just enjoy each tigers company, without having to worry about work, or where we’ve got to be next.

Are you awake yet? I’m hoping you slept. A peaceful night without me jabbering on in my sleep. Is it cold up there because it’s freezing down here. I’ve woken with a sore throat. I hope I’m not getting another cold. I feel like it’s been one thing after another and I just want to stop and catch my breath before we carry on. But that’s life I suppose. Baby I’m missing you so much. I don’t like this. I just want to spend every minute, of every hour of every day with you. For infinity more. I want to see that beautiful smile, those sexy dimples, those twinkly blue eyes every day.

I know I’m not easy. I know I’m hard work. I guess I’m used to having to do everything on my own all the time. I’ve always been a loner. But I don’t think I could have had anyone else in my life apart from you. Over the past few months you’ve got to me even more that I realised. You’re under my skin. Always. In the nicest possible way. Do you feel the same? I’m sure you do. I love you with all that I am and I can’t bear it without you.

I’ve got to go now baby. Get ready for the drive home. To see you and I can’t wait. I love you more than I did yesterday and less than I will tomorrow for infinity more.

Xxxx

Christmas 2018

To my darling beautiful JTER,

It feels like haven’t put anything down on paper for such a long time. What an eventful few weeks its been. The car breaking down, a new workplace, new colleagues new temporary home. It feels like my feet haven’t touched the ground. We are almost where we want to be. All that we need now is a place of our own.

My arms are aching to hold you again. Even though it has only been a few hours since I had to leave. I hated leaving you. I’m glad you didn’t see me cry in the car as I drove off.

Two minutes from home and I’m on the motor way. Heading south, the fog has lifted and the road is deserted. It’s one in the morning. As I drive round the first roundabout I notice two bright stars on the horse on dead ahead of me. I like to think it’s your and my dad looking out for me on the long drive. For the whole drive down these two stars are there, visible in any direction from my windscreen. They’re up there right now having a drink and a laugh. Both of them laughing at each other’s jokes. Talking about their little girls. Well that’s what I like to think.

I wish today could have been different. To have spent the whole day with you would have been amazing. It breaks my heart that I can’t.

More tears slide down my cheeks as I continue driving. Every song that comes in reminds me of you. Memories of us and what’s happened over that last few months. I pinch myself every day to make sure it’s not some cruel dream. I’m so happy with you. I know I don’t always show it, but I truly am. I’m sorry for not talking to you about what bugs me. I’ve not had that before and I find it hard. I promise you I will get better but please understand that it will take time. I’m getting better, I think? For someone who can write stories and these letters you I’m pretty shit at verbalising stuff.

I’m here after a 3 1/2 hour drive. Two pit stops for my slack bladder. Don’t laugh!! It’s not funny!! Also a coffee and a muffin. I didn’t eat the muffin. I fancied it at the time but it wasn’t the same without you. The toffee latte didn’t taste the same either.

Everyone’s asleep and I quietly let myself in. Presents under the tree and I add ours that we bought together to the pile. They’ll be so excited in an hour or so when they wake up. There little faces awed and shocked at how Santa managed to get all these presents down the chimney. I wish you where here. It won’t be the same without you. I know little man will ask where you are as will my big baby.

Does it make me a shit mother that I would rather be with you than here today? I hate myself for thinking that. Especially today. But it’s the truth. I love them dearly and would die for them but I can’t help how I feel. I wanted to spend today with you so much especially after all we have been through. You more than me, but I feel it to.

I understand some people not getting me moving to a 3 hour drive away but I don’t get why they just can’t see how happy I am. Surely two happy parents that are moving one with their lives is better than one that is happy and the other who isn’t. It hurt me when I was told that I should never have had the kids and that I don’t deserve them. I don’t always show it but I think you know anyway. I don’t miss them but I’m hurt by there reactions. As for my brother well that’s just plain mean. Hey ho, oh well and all that shit, two tears in a bucket, fuck it as my dad used to say. I’m just glad that Step ma hasn’t turned her back on me. She knows exactly what my dad would say and do. Yes he would have dragged over hot coals and grilled me about everything and made me think of every possible scenario but at the end of the day he would have been happy for me. He would have loved you. I know it. Your sense of humour and the pair of you winding me up. It would have been lovely to see. But oh well. That’s life.

I keep think about yesterday morning. It makes my belly flip. Making love with you gets more and more intense every time. It’s just so passionate, I can’t get enough of you. Sometimes I want to cry, not because you’ve hurt me, you’d never hurt me but because of strongly I feel about you. When you gently push me up against the wall, kiss my neck, nibble my ear, my mouth, it just makes me tingle all over. l love it when I’m driving and your hand is on my knee, or you’re stroking my hair. It makes me tingle all over. I can’t seem to keep a lid on it. You only have to touch me and I melt, the way you make me moan and call out your name, no one has ever made me feel that way.

I’m sorry if I come on too strong at times. Im sorry for making you blush, when I tell you how loud you where moaning or how good you tasted. No ones has ever bought out such strong emotions in me. No one has ever made me feel the way you do and I’ve NEVER felt this way about anyone before. Ever. I would lay down my life you. Anything. I love you so much that I can’t bear to be apart from you. I miss you even when I’m sleeping. I’m sleeping so much better now. I’m eating better than I have in I don’t know when. It’s all down to you. I’m just happy all the time these days and it’s all down to you. You make me laugh, you make me smile and you take of me. You make me feel safe wanted and part of something special. I just know when I’m with you, that no matter what life throws at us we’ll be ok!!

I don’t know why I ever reacted so strongly to you. I can’t explain it and I don’t know why. I just know that I do. It’s like it’s on a subconscious level that I didn’t even know was happening. It’s like I loved you before I met you, (there’s a song there).

I’m going to try and have a nanna nap before the cheeky monkeys wake up.

You’re every breath I take, 
You’re every sound I hear,
You are the love of my life,
The one that completes this half of me.
Without you I am not complete,
But drifting on a cloud,

Love you always and forever. Infinity.

Your bubba.

What’s in my heart

Hey beautiful,

It’s 3;34am and I just wanted to tell you that I love you with all that I am. You’re in in my head 24/7, but most importantly you are in my heart.

I can’t sleep. I fell asleep straight after eating last night. I’m sorry I was just so tired. I’ve woken up with a blinding headache. I’ve taken some paracetamol hopefully it will help. I’ve come outside for a quick cigarette and some fresh air.

I love you so much. I promise to not shut you out and keep talking. Start as we mean to go on. Sometimes I have to pinch myself. To remind myself that this is really happening. I couldn’t be happier. I know I don’t always show it but I am. You mean the world to me. You make me so so happy. You just get me like I get you.

It’s been a roller coaster few months and we have stuck together. If we’ve got through this then we can get through anything. We just have to keep talking to each other. It’s the start of something new and special. Today will be hard. I can’t promise not to cry. I promise not to hide it and show my weakness.

Today will be a good day. We’ll make it a memorable one, for the little people. They’ve really taken to you. They like you a lot. You like them too. I can see it in the way you are with them. It’s not just going through the motions because of me you really do like them. I don’t think you know what that means to me.

I can’t wait to start our new adventure together. I’m excited but nervous too. As long as we are together we can do anything. Together we are stronger.

You look so peaceful when you are asleep. I wish I could sleep right now. I’m just so tired. But my head is pounding. I think it’s nerves. I just want to get going.

No one gets my decision. My family don’t understand. They think I’m walking away. Abandoning them. I’m not. This is best for them. It would be too unsettling to uproot them from all that they have known. I’m no good for them if I am not happy and you make me happy. Like the song says you are my sunshine, my only sunshine, you make me happy when skies are grey.

I want spend all my time with you. Laugh with you and even at times cry with you. I want to watch the sun rise with you and make some amazing memories. I hate it when we have to be apart for even a short while. But I don’t want to smother you. I love it when we laugh at some stupid little thing. As daft as it sounds it makes me happy. You bring out the real me, something only very few people have ever seen. You’re very special to me. You make my heart and blood sing.

I’m going to try and get some sleep now. I just wanted you to know this. I love you and I always will. Through thick and thin, through the good and the bad. Through the laughter and the tears, on a hot sunny day and a freezing cold one. I want to wake up with you every morning. I want to fall asleep in your arms every night. I want us to enjoy ourselves and stick together when the going gets tough. To keep talking to each other.

I hope I make you happy. I hope I make you smile and keep you going when the going gets tough. I think we are good together. Like yin and yang.

I’m sorry I couldn’t go into that pub tonight. It would have been too claustrophobic for me. It was too crowded for me. I hope you understand. I know how much you wanted to go out for a few drinks before dinner. I’ll try harder for you next time. I love you, with all that I am and always will. I’d do anything for you.

I love seeing you smile and watching your blue eyes light up. I want to wake up in your arms every morning and face the world together. I hope I make you happy. We’ve had a tough few months and I hope the future will be easier than what we have recently faced. If we’ve got through this then I think we can get through anything. Together we are stronger. Always and forever.

I love you JTER. I promise to try and get some sleep now. Love you, infinity.

Your bubba

Xxx